Hi there, welcome and thanks for being curious about my story.
I’m born and raised in Amsterdam, and have always been passionate about music, art, dancing, mental and physical health, nutrition, nature, and human behavior. Just like many of us, I encountered some difficulties in my life. I’ve always had my own ways of expressing myself, turning inward, and processing emotions. Creativity, yoga, sports, dance, and music were and are, again, a big part of that.
Let’s start with my childhood. I won’t delve into too many details about it now; maybe I’ll write a book about it one day;). But let’s say it didn’t quite conform to societal and environmental norms. This resulted in feeling different and unaccepted, leading to a nervous system that, from a young age, was already stuck in survival mode, an inability to deal with emotions, and, evidently, some neurodiverse labels. *I’m not saying a childhood that doesn’t conform to societal norms is necessarily worse than one that does, but it’s the differences that aren’t accepted that make it complex. What I mean will become clearer as you continue reading.
In 2015, I juggled dual roles as a personal health and fitness coach and a full-time manager in the hospitality and event industry. While caring for two cats, having four hobbies, maintaining a social life, and tackling two courses. On top of it all, I delved into cognitive behavioral and group therapy, a decision influenced by the realization that I hadn’t taken my past experiences with psychotherapy seriously. This time around, the experience was insanely different, catching me off guard with its depth and impact. Despite thinking I always enjoyed the challenge of pushing my mental and physical limits, I came to the realization that I needed something more serene in my life. Without a second thought, I impulsively signed up for a yoga class, and from that day on, yoga became a crucial element in finding balance and stillness amid life’s chaos.
I dived into my debts to navigate and overcome unconscious patterns stemming from past traumas, shedding light on my journey of self-awareness and personal growth. (Work in progress) And this was the start of a new beginning, I wasn’t aware of at that time.
At first, I just proceeded with my new tools and guidance and was able to regulate my nervous system for a while. After a while, I started to infuse my coaching with aspects of my own yoga journey. The enthusiasm for the transformative benefits led me to share my experiences. My love for (Hatha) Yoga and its philosophy grew during trips to Bali and learning from exceptional teachers in Amsterdam, Thailand, and Mexico. Another thing to juggle with;) So, when I switched to a new full-time job, I continued teaching yoga privately and in classes, but had to leave my health and fitness coaching role due to time. But then, in 2021, despite enjoying my role in the hospitality and event industry, it became evident that it no longer aligned with my evolving needs and personal growth. Unconsciously, I tried to push this realization aside, but my body intervened, rendering me mentally and physically incapable of continuing in that job or any other at the time. It forced me to confront the undeniable truth—I had lost touch with myself, fallen out of balance, fallen into routine, allowed fear and ego to control my mind, and ceased to feel. Commonly known as: Burn-out.
I realized that for years, if not forever, I pushed and pushed and tried and tried to meet the expectations of society and my environment. To be “the best,” “the kindest,” “the smartest,” and still felt like I wasn’t good enough. Even in activities like music, yoga, and even my psychotherapy, I had aimed for perfection. It’s good to be ambitious, but my drive came from the “wrong” place. And I was so caught up in this belief that I didn’t even see all the massive achievements gained and growth I had made. It was never enough, while it actually was more than that!! Also one of the underlying causes was the feeling that if I didn’t meet those expectations I would be rejected by everyone (Read as: fear of abandonment) and well the lack of basic human needs during childhood played a big role. Some days, I didn’t even feel alive. I had been surviving instead of living. I had been playing a role because I was convinced that was keeping me safe. And probably it had done so, until a certain point in my life where it started to do the opposite.
And while I was forced to step back, I had to reflect, face incredibly uncomfortable moments, and (re)discover things. Worked through traumas in many different ways, learned things about myself, my patterns, and my beliefs. When I could, I focused on yoga, music, forms of creativity, nature, dance, Qigong, meditation, and breathwork. I tried plant medicine and countless new things in the hope it awakened my fire again. And well those years weren’t especially filled with only sunshine, rainbows, and fireworks. But they were full of countless insights, lessons, and experiences.
Of which also experiences of how life also can be!! That there are places and people where I can be my vulnerable authentic self, where I’m seen and accepted and appreciated for who I am, despite my accomplishments or status. That there were people that caught me when I fell. In which my amazing man was a big support, anchor, and teacher. But I also discovered places where people practice to be real and authentic, investigate their truth, break free from their own mind’s control, what causes suffering, try to stop surviving and pretending, and discover how to express and release in an authentic way, without worrying. Where people relearn to connect with their intuition and instinct. Which… causes real connections, love, and freedom.
After I experienced that, together with the personal growth I made, there was no way back. This was my motivation to start contributing to a world where we can all be released from our own minds’ control. A world where we can (re)discover our authentic self, what real worry-free childlike joy means, and how it feels to share that with others. Because I learned that at the end, that’s one of our most important basic needs to function, and what it’s actually all about, right?
I started facilitating, providing, and guiding experiences and opportunities that are really meaningful in this process… that are accessible for anyone, regardless of anything and anywhere they are in their journey. Where we can be, where we can do what we need to do. Where we can all experience, (re)learn, (re)discover and practice together, how it also can be. And what will happen when you “simply” let it all be and stop resisting.
Where I can be all of me and you can be all of you. Where we can start embracing again that every unique human has its own unique purpose. And a really important thing I learned is that we can’t resist our unique self forever; there will come a point where we have to acknowledge everything about ourselves, including the parts that we don’t like or thoughts we don’t want to have or emotions we feel uncomfortable having or aren’t even aware of anymore. It all matters, the same.
And that we can choose to investigate it now or whenever we choose to. Or that we can wait until you are forced to… just like I did, before I found my “tools” to do this. In some sort of way/ways, it will come back at you. And most of the time it will totally unannounced smack you in the face.
It’s a practice, a process, which you can enjoy but that can be tough sometimes but also insanely beautiful. and so incredibly worth it. I feel that I’m in a place right now where I can only offer opportunities, hand you tools, safety, guidance for the people who want to investigate, learn, express and release themselves.
To create a collective higher awareness of the fact that we have the power when we let of control and break free from our own, from society’s and from environmental expectations.
Everything we need is already there in us; we “just” have to accept that it maybe won’t be as expected. But that then endless possibilities lay within reach because; WHY THE F*CK NOT?!
Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I hope it has the potential to inspire and resonate with you on your own paths of self-discovery and personal growth.
No mud, no lotus.